Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”