Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
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Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.