Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.