Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Try and stop me.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…