A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Genie: “you get three wishes”
Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”
Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.
Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fizzy dice.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.