@elonmusk

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

@DillDoes

*rubs lamp*

Genie: “you get three wishes”

Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”

Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

@kumailn

Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”

@JermHimselfish

Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.

@HatfieldAnne

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

@JPHaddadio

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.