@jwoodham
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
@elonmusk
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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@jwoodham
@thisislizz
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
@Fickle_Filly
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
@DillDoes
*rubs lamp*
Genie: “you get three wishes”
Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”
Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”
@ThugRaccoons
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
@kumailn
Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”
@JermHimselfish
Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.
@SardonicTart
Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fizzy dice.
@HatfieldAnne
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
@JPHaddadio
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.