Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
The glory of fall.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”