Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
When I snag the last meatball.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
