Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
ok like just. call me at this point
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.