I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.
But here we are.
*knocks juice box out of her hand.
My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited
German cartoonist Martin Perscheid
ME: What an emotional roller coaster
ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph