@hipchkk

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

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@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

@stacywawa1

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

@PetrickSara

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

@LinajkReturns

If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.

@kelownagoose

A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.

But here we are.

*knocks juice box out of her hand.

@Just_Lee_

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

@therealeatwood

ME: What an emotional roller coaster

ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?

@LlamaInaTux

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph