Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

You Might Also Like


My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.


Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ


Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit


The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.


[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg


I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.


I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid


Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a


*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*