My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*