Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Brands during Pride