Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
At Walmart during the holidays like..
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?