Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?