Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.