Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Guys, I found it.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Erm…

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for