Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.