Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more