Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Uh oh 👀
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
War & Peace
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.