apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
You Might Also Like
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*