apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Oh boy, $150,000!
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.