Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?