Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.