Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

Had to try this trend 😊

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.