Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
so this horse walks into a bar
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth