Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“That’s what” – She
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
wish me luck lads
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
finally found a reasonable question
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept