Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.