Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough