Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Phones down.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.
happy friday
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.