Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
bought wrong eggs
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid