Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir