Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins