Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
This is what makes twitter great
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Selfie
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.