Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
WHO DID THIS?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My life coach traded me.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes