Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Church Pugh’s

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.