Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
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Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.