Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
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Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”