Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
The dark side of Canada
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*mops up wine with cat*
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not