Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

Do not go gentle into that good night,

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.