Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.