Apparently the best way to save someone from natural selection is to refuse to hold his beer.

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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves


I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.


Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess


Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.


Greatest Fears:
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks


Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.


Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.


Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.


My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.