I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
we all know this pain all too well
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
She puts the hot in psychotic
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
a god among men
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.