@UnFitz

Apparently the best way to save someone from natural selection is to refuse to hold his beer.

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@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@BeckFlatley

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

@zachreinert03

Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess

@FeralCrone

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

@truegritrumble

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

@envydatropic

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

@StatusInBeirut

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.

@CrissySpeaks79

My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.