Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
You Might Also Like
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted