Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Haha good job!!
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA