Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.