Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

thank god the sign was there

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

How to walk around a museum

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark