Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*