Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…