Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.