Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Just a phase…
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…