Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

it’s finally my moment to shine

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means