@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

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@sixthformpoet

If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

@TheToddWilliams

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

@qqnqui

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

@BertCarrillo

Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you’re dead.

@sweetmomissa

Last night out at dinner my daughter ordered a salad… I likely would have too had I not passed out from shock.

@starringmichell

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

@ComicMikeV

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

@sirivan

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

@WilliamAder

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.