@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

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@DharBluee

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂

@sageboggs

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

@PatsATweetin

captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in

hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*

captain: wtf is that

hawkeye: *panting* my arrows

@SerialFuckup

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.