me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”