Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Hot Hot Hot
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children