Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

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If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.


Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head



SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog


Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.


Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you’re dead.


Last night out at dinner my daughter ordered a salad… I likely would have too had I not passed out from shock.


Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!


Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians


Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.


My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.