Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?
Husband: One British girl.
*wife returns from London*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in
hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*
captain: wtf is that
hawkeye: *panting* my arrows
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand