Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.