Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”