Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.