Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
adam and eve had first world problems
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.