Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.