Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Only you can prevent podcasts
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.