Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
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😆this is so true
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
What about a To-Don’t List?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.