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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”