Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

i- i did not expect this

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here