Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

apparently this year was written by stephen king

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.