Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

Finally

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

Unexpected Judgment

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.