Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
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apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
This is me 🤣🤣
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!