Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

what could possibly go wrong?

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

wait a minute….

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.