Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*