Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Can. I. Help. You.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”