@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

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@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

@Darlainky

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

@OrdinaryAlso

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

@CackleClub

If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@BobTheSuit

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

@KeetPotato

japanese chef: “we need a name for our sauce”
me: “what about Keithyaki? haha”
my friend Teri: “i have a much better idea”