Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?