@Samiam556

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

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@BlacB

“I’m in your city”.

me: ok. enjoy it.

@jonnysun

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

@brianbowman73

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

@Robert_Fultz

I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.

@mindflakes

I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not

@RunOldMan

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

@StaceyShortcake

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

@MrIceMachine

Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.

@chellemybell22

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

@stockejock

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…