Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.