“I’m in your city”.
me: ok. enjoy it.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.
I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…