Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Phones down.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.