Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.