Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

I hope it’s French Onion!

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.

I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!