Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
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Ugh but profoundly
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…