Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird