Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
You Might Also Like
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I can’t deal with men any longer
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Think I pulled my liver
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?