Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
You Might Also Like
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
a fate I wish upon no one
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*puts my mental health in rice
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.