Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
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My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?