Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”